So I have something to tell you....I have been struggling. This last week or so has been especially hard. I feel hungry all the time! I don't know if it has something to do with this weird current "void course" of the moon, or maybe my own moon, or that I'm just not tight enough to make any real kind of difference right now? What I do know is that I feel hungry all day and am working very hard to try to make all the right choices. Some days are easier than others, but never actually easy. Some days, well....some days I feel as if I just want to cry, but I just keep moving forward. I just keep trying to make healthier food choices than I wish I had to, and exercising when I really just want to watch TV. Yesterday was a really tough day.
Then, because Life knew I really needed a sign of support, I was given a little gift today. My wonderful friend Kayla finally took my advice and started writing a blog, which she entitled "K & Co." Guess what her first post was about? She was responding to some idiot who pissed her off (apparently, they had the nerve to say bariatric surgery was taking the easy way out). Well, as I read her words, I teared up a bit, because I felt that she was addressing the difficulties I was going through, without even knowing I was having such a struggle. Thanks Kayla! You reminded me that this decision is NEVER easy, but you also reminded me that I am not in this alone. Sure, I have my "team" just as you do, but I also have great friends who seem to know what I need the most, even if I never tell them what is. I have great friends who have also gone through what I am going through (and continue to do so each day), who inspire me to keep fighting this battle against obesity day after day, no matter how hard it may seem. I will do this every day for the rest of my life. I hope somehow I can be that inspiration to any of you who should you ever need it (like if you ever feel like you're having an especially hard day(s) and need a little pick me up. That's what we're here for, to pick each other up and inspire each other to be the best (and healthiest) people we can be.
As I said earlier, it has been especially difficult lately, and I am not proud of all of the choices I made yesterday, but I did the best I could, (I did better today, and will strive to do even better tomorrow -- that's how we WLS'ers do "easy"). That said, here is my yesterday:
April 28, 2011
The "Easiest" part of life post-op is that you always have to plan ahead. You can no longer just wing it. If you don't give yourself enough time for the pre-planning phase of your day, you're screwed. Say, you wake up late, and run around trying to get out of the house in time to get to your day's appointments, work, etc. Did you make sure you took enough time to make a healthy breakfast meal? Did you make a shake? Did you pack something to take with you (if you're gonna be busy until after your next scheduled meal -- yep SCHEDULED!)? No? Do you have a healthy option plan in place then? How are you going to ensure you get your protein and fluid levels in? Are you going to be able to do so while sticking to your strict 600-800 calorie target? No? Oops! You're screwed! Eventually, how are you planning on handling the guilt, shame, or other emotion you associate with failing? You better start figuring it out. See? Super Dooper Alley Ooper Easy!......NOT!
So to answer the above questions: I woke up later than I was suppose to. I had a nail appointment and a hair appointment back to back that lasted from 9:00-12:45. I rushed around to get my kids up and off to where they needed to go, dropped of my youngest off at my in-laws (thankfully they feed him). Then straight to the salon. Translation: I didn't make a healthy protein filled breakfast, didn't pack anything to eat at noon, and didn't take any water with me. Three strikes before 9:00 a.m. -- not the best way to start the day.
My 1st meal of the day wasn't until 12:45, so I was REALLY hungry! The second "easiest" part about life post-op is that if you have skipped a meal (or two), when you do eat, you have to remember to eat really slowly (a 1/2 to 3/4 cup of food should take a half hour to eat and all the contents should be chewed so thoroughly that they are considered "self-pureed" -- if you've never had Bariatric surgery, you should TRY doing this, 'cause it suuper easy! *sarcasm*). My mother-in-law made me:
1 Deviled Egg
1/2 can Tuna
1/2 Dill Pickle
I almost blew it (again!) right off the bat. I swallowed too quickly and thought I was going to get stuck, but it turns out I didn't. So I finished my lunch and even though I was behind on my protein, I did get 18g in this meal. I was super thirsty, but the rules are that you can't drink for 20 mins before or 45 mins after eating. I didn't get anything to drink until well after 2:00 p.m. This part would be #3 on the "easiest part list" -- Eating without drinking ANYTHING before or after still feels unnatural. Eating makes you think you're thirsty. The funny thing is that getting too thirsty triggers a hunger response (which is probably why I got Morbidly Obese in the first place....Morbid.....That means "Drop Dead FAT") Anyway, the dehydration meant I spent the rest of the day battling "hunger" I fought, I exercised, I tried to distract myself (Squirrel!), I drank water and a "Pumpkin Pie Protein Shake" to try to stop the urge to start putting food into my mouth and continue to do so until the feeling went away. It didn't go away and eventually I gave in. I didn't eat dinner because I spent the evening grazing, each time I got a little something the only feeling it took away was the "feeling good about myself" the "head hunger" stayed with me all day long until I finally went to bed. To the best of my memory, I believe this is what the tally result is of my bad choices:
4 Tbsp Peanut Butter
1/4 cup Dry Roasted Sunflower Kernels
1/2 oz Extra Aged Gouda Cheese
So that was my super easy day. Oh yeah, and I forgot to tell you the best part, I went to bed feeling bad about myself, and my stomach was growling like crazy. I felt like I was starving and had just pigged out at the same time. Wrap your head around how easy that is to deal with.
Now, do you think I cheated and took the easy way out? Because I don't. It's not easy, most days it's not as hard as yesterday, but it's never easy. That said, would I do it again? Absolutely! it was the best decision I have ever made. I am so much healthier now than I was before, I no longer have: GERD, high blood pressure, a hole in my diaphragm, my stomach in my chest cavity, I sleep through the night and am no longer woken up in the middle of the night because I am throwing up in my sleep, I can play with my kids, I can exercise, I can live life to a much fuller and higher quality. I am a proud WLS'er! I'm proud of myself, I'm proud of Kayla, I'm proud of Eggy, and if you've had surgery, I'm proud of you. If you haven't had surgery, but are on a journey to be healthier, I'm proud of you too. I am proud of anyone who chooses to fight the battle against obesity, no matter what decision you make to get there. And I am proud to defend you and your choice. Life's too short to not support each other!
My daily stats:
Calories Consumed: 820 (20 cals over my high target)
Calories Burned: 600
Protein: 66g (4g below my low target)
H2O: 2L
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